Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Bookkeeper

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks from him. The bookkeeper is deaf. (It was one of the reasons he got the job in the first place, as it was assumed that since he couldn't hear what "the boys" were saying, he'd never have to testify in court.) The godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing 10 million bucks and brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The godfather turns to the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

"He says you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!"

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Find Your Center 3 Calming Vacations

If a retreat sounds relaxing but you don't really want to sit-around in a circle "om"-ing for three days, let one of these active yet meditative trips put you in a Zen zone.

- Be one with your horse Santa Fe Mountain Adventures pairs you with a four-legged friend for two-hour rides through the rolling Pecos Mountains, only 30 minutes away from your digs at La Posada de Santa Fe Resort & Spa. After you hang up your saddle in the afternoon, you can chop, blend, and sauté your worries away in a gourmet-cooking class. From $255 per person per night; santafemountain

- Drop a line Get fly-fishing lessons in the pristine lakes and streams at Potosi Hot Springs Resort. Located within the Beaverhead-Deerlodge National Forest near Pony, Montana, the resort also boasts hot spring-fed pools. From $2,200 for two for three nights (includes lessons, equipment, and meals);

- Be a poser Say you do want to chill on a yoga getaway. Global Journeys runs asana-filled trips to gorgeous spots like Tuscany and Costa Rica. The hatha and Bikram classes, combined with hiking and biking, will relieve your physical and mental kinks. From $2,200 per person for seven days; global

By Sara Bodnar